Christmas is one day, same day every year. December 25.
Jews love Dec. 25th. It's another paid day off work. We go to movies and out
for Chinese food, and Israeli dancing. Chanukah is eight days. It starts the
evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No one is ever sure. Jews
never know until a non Jewish friend asks when Chanukah starts, forcing us to
consult a calendar so we don't look like idiots. We all have the same calendar,
provided free with a donation from either the World Jewish Congress, the kosher
butcher, or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel (especially in Florida).
Christmas is a major holiday.
Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most Jewish holidays. They
tried to kill us, we survived, let's
eat!!.
Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume, stereos... Jews get
practical presents such as underwear, socks, or a the collected
works of the Rambam which looks impressive on the bookshelf.
There is only one way to spell Christmas.
No one can decide how to spell Chanuka, Chanukah, Chanukka, Channukah, Hanukah,
Hannuka.
Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and boy friends. Their
partners expect special gifts.
Jewish men are relieved of that burden. No one expects a diamond ring on
Chanukah. Christmas brings enormous electric bills. Candles are used for
Chanukah. Not only are we spared enormous electric bills, but we get to feel
good about not contributing to the energy crisis.
Christmas carols are beautiful. Silent Night, Come o Ye Faithful.....
Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or about having a party and
dancing the horah. Of course, we are secretly pleased that many of the
beautiful carols were composed and written by our tribal brethren. And don't
Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them beautifully?
A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful. The sweet smell of cookies and
cakes baking. Happy people are gathered around in festive moods. A home
preparing for Chanukah smells of oil, potatoes and onions. The home, as always,
is full of loud people all talking at once.
Christian women have fun baking Christmas cookies.
Jewish women burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions
for latkes on Chanukah. Another reminder of our suffering through the ages.
Parents deliver to their children during Christmas.
Jewish parents have no qualms about withholding a gift any of the eight
nights.
The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce names such as Mary,
Joseph and Jesus.
The players in the Chanukah story are Antiochus, Judah, Maccabee, and Matta
whatever. No one can spell it or pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell
our friends anything and they believe we are wonderfully versed in our history.
Many Christians believe in the virgin birth.
Jews think, "Joseph, bubela. Snap out of it. Your woman is pregnant, you
didn't sleep with her, and now you want to blame God. Here's the number of a my
shrink."
In recent years, Christmas has become more and more commercialized.
The same holds true for Chanukah, even though it is a minor holiday. It makes
sense. How could we market a major holiday such as Yom Kippur? Forget about
celebrating. Think observing. Come to synagogue, starve yourself for 27 hours,
become one with your dehydrated soul, beat your chest, confess your sins, a
guaranteed good time for you and your family. Tickets a mere $200 per person.
OY!!