I spoke with Rachel
today. I mentioned that I was doing a
lot of writing lately. She’s been trying
to keep up with my prolific phases. Something
she said one day disturbed me. She said that
my healing would involve more than just telling her about the past. This
statement perplexed me because writing about the abuse has been so
cathartic. Once Rachel explained her
reasoning to me I began to understand her. Her explanation was very straightforward. She explained the process. I would need to unite all 36 alter
personalities and fragments, becoming one again. I needed to return to the way I was born,
before the abuse happened. Doing this
would force me to experience every aspect of my childhood abuse. I survived the torture and abuse by
“splitting” into fragmented parts.
Because the abuse was broken down into digestible fractions, I could
conveniently allow one of my parts to experience each incidence for me. An altar or fragment would come forward
allowing me to retreat into my mind where I was safe and protected from the
abuse occurring outside of my body. The
manner in which I survived must be reversed for me to truly heal. Rachel explained that, at first, integration
would be incredibly painful. All of the
memories would join together in my conscious just as small remnants of fabric
are sewn together to become one big, beautiful quilt. She added that, when the fragmented memories
of the abuse surfaced, I would discover each episode and experience it as if it
were happening in the present.
To me, her disclosure was
terrifying. I decided that I would not
integrate. Separation saved me. Integration scared the hell out of me. Instead, I would try to achieve, “functional
multiplicity.” I would remain fragmented
yet continue to work with my alters so they would
function smoothly as a unit. The way I
saw it reminded me of a completed jigsaw puzzle, one esthetically pleasing
picture made up of many small pieces.
Several
months ago, while I was near death in the intensive care unit of my town’s
hospital because I developed double pneumonia. After a month
of being unconscious, followed by a slow and often frustrating recovery, I felt
differently about integration. I was
near death three times during that month.
I don’t know how the gravity of the illness caused me to feel
differently about integration, but it did.
I told, Rachel, that I was tired of being a Multiple and that I wanted
to integrate and get on with my life.
Perhaps my life felt new to me…a good place to begin again. I could tell from the sound of her voice over
the phone, that Rachel was very happy discussing the possibility of
integration. Once I got out of the
hospital, however, I no longer felt this way.
I have been out of the hospital for nearly four months and my decision
to remain fragmented hasn’t changed.
Rachel and I never discussed integration again.
Psycho-babblers do strange things like that, they
bring something up as if it were earth shattering and
then they don’t want to bring it up again and act as if nothing had occurred at
all. I’m
There! I finally got rid of
Theory about angelic
protection fits well here. As I
explained earlier, Vanessa and Selena state emphatically that they are not from
this plane of existence, that they are not like the
other alters in my crew. However, they
will not openly admit to being angels.
When I was very close to death, something held my mind together and
allowed me to concentrate on healing.
Even though my human caretakers were wonderful, I felt help coming from
the “other side.” Just now, my spirit
friends/alters helped me to peacefully take control back from